Ten Years Ago
Wow,
its been so long, (ten years) I forgot I even had this up. And to realize not much has changed has more emotions running around then I thought was possible. I just read the Absent father post from years ago and its funny because we just went through the same thing again. Why? I know I have issues, hell who doesn't, but its how we deal with them that counts. I just seem to do things wrong most of the time, although I thought I was learning from those mistakes. maybe I was wrong. I guess I'll find out.
What brought me back to here is another onset of depression. I know I need a change, desperately, problem is trying to figure out what to do and where to go. I've been here so many times before always thinking I was on the right path only to understand later that that might not have been the case. And I don't want to feel I am running away. because my intention is to run to... a solution. not to retreat into oblivion.
But I have learned a thing or two although I can't really say it helps much accept it does help make sense of things for me. That is, these things I've learned do not necessarily make my life easier but they do help me understand my choices and decisions from past experiences. Let me try to explain that a bit;
I've battles emotional difficulties for most of my life. anger was a great obstacle and it took much to control it and or avoid it. But I would also suddenly fall deep into depression for no apparent reason and just as quick bounce back out, albeit maybe a few days later never truly understanding why Well, as it turns out much of these emotional 'problems' where not mine. You see as a medium and an empath, I was literally picking up the tortured souls of those around me and the disabling emotional pressure would not reveal its source. All I could do was observe and deal with it. Now if I knew the source things could be different but for the most part it is nearly always impossible to tell.
There have been a few cases that were painfully obvious because the chest pain for example would come and go as soon as a particular person was near and or left. Not unlike being burned by sitting too close to a hot stove. Just as effective but with emotions, people are very good at hiding them because no one wants to feel inferior. Oh damn.
This is also the main reason I remain single because I pick up on the emotional content of the person I'm attracted too and it makes things... well awkward to say the least.
The good thing here is I learned that most of my distress was not my doing, only my perception of it. Problem is now trying to located source and what to do when found. I mean its not like I can go around the room saying, excuse me but are you feeling down to everyone around me? Well I could but I'd doubt very much that I'd get a true answer cause no one wants others to know.
You would think I could just go around the room as it were to find source however, by the time I get hit, I can barely function let alone comprehend the source. I need to fortify my barrier more and keep it up to stay fit. Then the problem is, I might not feel anything. It is a quandary...
So here we go, another emotional and or spiritual adventure. I can only wonder where or should I say, how, I'll end up ...
its been so long, (ten years) I forgot I even had this up. And to realize not much has changed has more emotions running around then I thought was possible. I just read the Absent father post from years ago and its funny because we just went through the same thing again. Why? I know I have issues, hell who doesn't, but its how we deal with them that counts. I just seem to do things wrong most of the time, although I thought I was learning from those mistakes. maybe I was wrong. I guess I'll find out.
What brought me back to here is another onset of depression. I know I need a change, desperately, problem is trying to figure out what to do and where to go. I've been here so many times before always thinking I was on the right path only to understand later that that might not have been the case. And I don't want to feel I am running away. because my intention is to run to... a solution. not to retreat into oblivion.
But I have learned a thing or two although I can't really say it helps much accept it does help make sense of things for me. That is, these things I've learned do not necessarily make my life easier but they do help me understand my choices and decisions from past experiences. Let me try to explain that a bit;
I've battles emotional difficulties for most of my life. anger was a great obstacle and it took much to control it and or avoid it. But I would also suddenly fall deep into depression for no apparent reason and just as quick bounce back out, albeit maybe a few days later never truly understanding why Well, as it turns out much of these emotional 'problems' where not mine. You see as a medium and an empath, I was literally picking up the tortured souls of those around me and the disabling emotional pressure would not reveal its source. All I could do was observe and deal with it. Now if I knew the source things could be different but for the most part it is nearly always impossible to tell.
There have been a few cases that were painfully obvious because the chest pain for example would come and go as soon as a particular person was near and or left. Not unlike being burned by sitting too close to a hot stove. Just as effective but with emotions, people are very good at hiding them because no one wants to feel inferior. Oh damn.
This is also the main reason I remain single because I pick up on the emotional content of the person I'm attracted too and it makes things... well awkward to say the least.
The good thing here is I learned that most of my distress was not my doing, only my perception of it. Problem is now trying to located source and what to do when found. I mean its not like I can go around the room saying, excuse me but are you feeling down to everyone around me? Well I could but I'd doubt very much that I'd get a true answer cause no one wants others to know.
You would think I could just go around the room as it were to find source however, by the time I get hit, I can barely function let alone comprehend the source. I need to fortify my barrier more and keep it up to stay fit. Then the problem is, I might not feel anything. It is a quandary...
So here we go, another emotional and or spiritual adventure. I can only wonder where or should I say, how, I'll end up ...
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